Confessions of the Haute and Bothered

3:37 am. Again. Itchy, witchy, bitchy, twitchy… you name it, any type of itchy- I’ve got it. The only thing that seems to help is pacing until I feel like I'm sleepwalking. Lay down. Almost fall asleep. Feel compelled to tear myself from my skin. Obsess about something minor until I feel rage. Pace again... And so it goes every night that I am due to apply a fresh patch the next morning. The only thing that seems to help is taking progesterone right before bed. Anyone else?

...brb, doing research.

It‘s a new game that I silently play every time I chat or catch up with a friend or new acquaintance - I mention ‘hot flashes‘ or say the word ’Menopause’ casually, in a by-the by manner and almost every time, the floodgates open. Like breaking the proverbial seal, once you say the word, Menopause, it is ON. It’s like a secret handshake, you can see the eyes lock or the voice change and you know that you are IN The Club; a Secret Society of women reticent to talk about it unless you bring it up first. Once it’s out there, the sisterhood is STRONG! By nature, we are compelled to share and the stories bring me to fits of hysterical laughter and tears. Funny things happen when our bodies change and sometimes, in the moment, more often in hindsight, we find ourselves in outright hysterical situations. Laughter may be the thing that gets us through this. For example, a dear girlfriend and I started having hot flashes around the same time and didn't mention it to each other for awhile- neither of us was sure what was happening. What a blessing to have someone to talk to that is actually experiencing them too! Note: She's still having normal cycles AND hot flashes (I'd DIE), while I haven't had a cycle in 12 mo and also just started having hot flashes. ~go figure. So, picture this- She was working on her website the other day and called customer service for IT support and when the woman asked her, "how are you doing today"? She responded, "dealing with hot flashes over here". The woman immediately responded. "Oh my god, girl, let me tell you"… 25 minutes later after covering everything from diet related-symptoms; a few stories later they both hung up without ever getting to the IT question. Within the span of a week, women have told me harrowing tales of creaky ankles in high heels, rants at fragrance counters insisting that the formula for Chanel Number 5 has suddenly CHANGED- for the worse, their go-to hair color that suddenly turns weird colors and "stolen" cars found by police parked on the next level. Buckle up, ladies we are in this together! Do tell: who, what, when, where was the most surprising conversation that you've had thus far?

I feel FABULOUS. It is possible that I didn't realize or recognize how badly I was feeling before... with symptoms creeping up so slowly... could I have been in a slight decline for years...? Maybe. At the moment, I'm taking the WIN. Dose: Estradiol 1mg 3x per week. 7th pill last night *still deciding on how to integrate Progesterone into my HRT cocktail Is Estrogen ADDICTIVE? Remember that scene in the Sex In The City movie where Samantha freaks out when the Customs Agents take her HRT stash at the airport. I get it now. According to DrugAbuse.com, "Researchers found that estrogen intensifies the brain’s dopamine reward pathway, which creates an increase in pleasurable feelings. So, when a woman is in the high-estrogen phase of her menstrual cycle and she takes a certain drug – think meth or cocaine – she feels more enjoyment." I don't care, if that's the case then I have found my new drug and I'm hooked. I don't feel the dopamine rush- in fact, its quite the opposite- I feel calmer and more clear headed. Gone (mostly) are the frantic fervent mood swings and zombie-like phases staring at a blank page trying to get work done feeling largely uninspired. The sun has come out and the birds are singing. That sounds like I have come out of a depression and like I may be a better candidate for anti-depressants which, I have learned, many doctors prescribe women suffering perimenopause and menopause when treating individual symptoms one by one. I was never depressed and personally, don't feel that anti-depressants would be right for me. As I write this, I recall that once, in my mid 20's, after taking a course of "morning after" pills (basically, 3 birth control pills at once twice a day for 3 days), I experienced night sweats, insomnia and mood swings. I went to an internist that prescribed Xanax and Prozac. I found that to be extreme and crazy. Having been a Psychology Major, I was fearful of F'ing with my brain chemistry and opted for 1/4 the dosage of Xanax for 3 weeks and, everything normalized. Now, I'm not knocking anti-depressants in the least - they are a miracle for so many- and I'm not a doctor. So, you do YOU. Meanwhile, I'll be here, keeping track of my journey and chatting with each of you.

Confessions of one Haute and Bothered Woman as She spirals into Menopause. Talking about Menopause is widely considered to be: Crass. Vulgar. Indelicate. Uncouth. Gauche. Unrefined. Unladylike. Well, Dear Reader, if that is the case for you, then this isn't the place for you, and I politely invite you to scram. For everyone else, buckle up buttercup- this is going to be an adventure! Haute Flash is my journal. By turning it into a blog, I'm leaving pages blank for each of you to fill in with your voices, stories, revelations, questions, fears and tears; all of the real life stuff that makes us laugh and cry- sometimes, at the same time. I wasn't going to publish this blog. This first entry is dedicated to three women in the hair salon this afternoon who made me realize how much we can mean to each other- if someone just starts the conversation. After a fervor of comparing notes, reinforcing that the whole process is unique for everyone and that solutions are NOT one-size fits all, I decided to pull the trigger and here we go. Look for that convo in an upcoming post: STEEL MAGNOLIAS So far, Menopause seems to be like a 'Choose Your Own Adventure' book, and I've barely turned the first page. Just like I did with those books, I'm trying to figure out how it works before I begin, to ensure that I get the best ending- and I'm quickly learning that, like that damn book, Menopause doesn't work that way either. So, Why HAUTE? Because, I refuse to give up and get old, frumpy, dumpy, cranky and unsexy; and I'm not going through this alone. Stick with me, and neither will you. I crashed into Menopause "early" and my symptoms have presented backwards or, out of order for, "the norm" of which, I am learning, there isn't. In my quest to figure out what the hell is happening to my body, I've quickly realized how few resources we have and even worse, that when we do talk about it, we tend to lower our voices and whisper like children with a shameful secret. Now, I'm not about to start wearing a flaming sash in the grocery store while handing out Estrogen pills like Tic Tacs, but I refuse to whisper in dark corners, and, I could use someone to talk to. Secretly, I fear that I may be at risk of deafening, boring and/or alienating everyone within earshot... so, helllooooo, Haute-Flash.com! Up next, my private journal entries of the past 3 months leading up to THE Menopause diagnosis. It wasn't always pretty but in hindsight, it's pretty funny- enjoy! What was your first sign or "symptom" of Menopause? P.S. I've turned on all of the permissions so that you can comment and interact with each other as well. So, have at it- I look forward to meeting you and sharing our journeys.

Well. Well. Well. ...have a sec? You've GOT to hear THIS. Within 45 min of taking my first dose of estrogen and progesterone, I was fast asleep. Deep, languid, fluid, Absinthyth-like induced sleep. I haven't slept like that in years. YEARS. I barely made it to my pillow after posting the Day 1 entry- I cut it short bc my eyes were heavy and I invite medical experts to join us here from time to time, but I am not one nor do I claim to be. Can we get on with it now? The (Current) Cocktail: Rx Doses: Estradiol 1mg Sublingual 3x per week *Progesterone 100mg daily (considering pulling back on this) October 10th 9:45 am What do you think, should I interview her? “Estrogen decides everything.” ― Marie Hoäg, MBA The more that I read, the more fascinated I become by how controversial Estrogen use has been in the past 19 years as a direct result of the Women's Health Initiative posting their findings on Estrogen in 2002. The findings from the study scared the bejesus out of women and physicians alike and that study is THE reason that you may have heard that Estrogen causes menopause. Ever passed on the edamame when out for sushi because you don't want to raise your estrogen and get breast cancer? Thank the WHI Study. Seriously. One Study. One study with very questionable reporting metrics when closely examined. I am on the scent and taking a deep dive- is it possible that we have been terrified about using estrogen based on a flawed, biased, and financially motivated study initiated with the goal of bashing estrogen. But, why...? Stay tuned, in my free time I will unearth and share as much dirt as I can dig up. Meanwhile, here's a handy HRT timeline . oh, Dr. Avrum Blumming has a LOT to say about the matter. Planning to reach out to him as well. “I’ve seen estrogen make princesses out of witches.” ~Marie Hoäg MBA Hold up. Before anyone gives me a piece of their mind for being Pro- Estrogen, may I remind you of one thing: this is MY blog about MY experiences. My body. My choices. My experiences. My right to change MY mind about MY HRT at any time. Pull up a chair and get cozy, who knows what will happen next around here so, just enjoy it and if you have a strong opinion, by all means, share it in the comments. Don't be a ________. Get Inspired To keep up with all things Wix, including website building tips and interesting articles, head over to to the Wix Blog. You may even find yourself inspired to start crafting your own blog, adding unique content, and stunning images and videos. Start creating your own blog now. Good luck!

I scored THE DRUGS. Dose: Estradiol 1mg Sublingual 3x per week Progesterone 100mg daily October 7th 7:30 pm "Welcome to the club." This, after a few robotic questions from my seemed-to-be-hip Gyno: Q: "When was your last period?" A: "11 1/2 mo ago." Q: "Any spotting?" A: "A hue of red but less than a spot last Dec after sex." Q: "Noticed any hair thinning?" A: "Maybe in the front but it could just be that it’s so grey that it is a little see-through when I have roots." “What should I expect?”, I asked my doctor as she confirmed that I was, in fact, a candidate for Hormone Replacement Therapy. Her answer and affect felt casual and slightly dismissive, “You’ll feel better. Fewer flashes and your hair and skin might feel better". the “duh"… implication was obvious. I expected more from the consultation. Taking hormones seems like a big deal. You are rewiring your brain and body with a systemic-altering, serious substance. Right? Maybe I expected too much, I wasn't looking for a medal or a parade but it seems like not, not a big deal. What were your experiences? Down the hatch… I haven't been so thoughtful about popping a pill since the first time that I took Ecstasy at an Alice in Wonderland-themed Underground in San Francisco. Here goes nothing... They say that they can take quite some time to work- months even... I'm feeling super drowsy and can barely keep my eyes open. Probably just worked myself up. Anyone...?

We are all in the same metaphorical boat; afloat very different Oceans. Our journeys will differ vastly; while so many of our questions are the same. That's where this blog comes in- by sharing our stories, we support and help each other navigate this phase of our lives. Okay, I'll start- The women in my family don't lie about their age. "Age is just a number." ~as long as you look at least a decade younger than that number. Joking. - sort of. You get it. Now, before you get all judge-y and sprung, let me give you a little background. Both of my Great-Grandmothers died young. Consequently, my grandmothers swore not to go the same way and stayed healthy and brimming with vitality into their 70’s and 80’s until, suddenly, they didn't. They suffered horribly in the last few years of their lives. One with Alzheimers and the other with a mysterious and debilitating systemic condition that lingered after a stroke. So, my Mother's generation and now mine, are on the same, live better-longer plan and so far, each generation is besting the one before it. "Vanity is a powerful motivator for maintaining good health". Dr. Nicolas Perricone Thanks to great genes, sunscreen, designer jeans and a freakish love of 1990's Mugler and Vivienne Westwood, I'm very healthy. My Western Physicians say that I am "young for my age" and my Eastern Practitioners report that my physiological age is 9-10 years fewer than my chronological age. "Age is just a number." Isn't it...? Menopause starts around 50+. Doesn’t it? This is where things started to get wonky for me and I had to start doing the math. I'm 46 and 9/12ths. Otherwise known as 75% of 46; 46 and 3/4ths; okay- almost 47. Oh, how delightful, for the first time in my life, my age seems to matter (youth was all about borrowed car keys and fake IDs) now, here I am calculating and documenting vitals (down to the day), including my first, last and past 3 years of menstrual history. Not easy for someone that has never been "regular". So, here are the numbers: This is the 12th consecutive month- to the week- that I haven't had a full-on period. On the nose. Now, I know this for sure because this month, last year, was the first month that I couldn't get an "ovulating" reading with the ovulation tests that I reverse engineered into my contraception practice to tell me when to be very careful with my gentleman friend because my already irregular periods had become wildly unpredictable. And, I haven't had a period since- not a drop. This is also the first week that I have nearly spontaneously combusted every night. Every. DAMN. Night. A dozen or so strange, “hot episodes” occurred randomly and were dismissed as a million other things- stress, anxiety, a hangover... after 2 drinks.... weird. Anyway, you get the gist. According to my Gynecologist friend, my friend's Gynecologist, Google, @MenopauseBarbie, my Mother, my boyfriend's best friend's wife's friend's Dula, and all of the women at my last Bar Method Class, I am in MENOPAUSE. Not Peri-Menopause, Menopause. THE Grand Dame, Mme M, Lady M, Madam Menopause has entered, stage left and is here to stay. I was stunned. Could this be? Without warning... I though that hot flashes meant the start.... No stop at GO, No Collect $200, no, no, nothing. No warning...?!?! What about Peri-Menopause? Apparently, I may have slid right through that part and didn't notice that my ovaries were sputtering and flaming out because irregular periods were regular for me and I didn't have the accompanying hot flashes that you hear about during peri-menopause. Plus, I was too YOUNG... right? Wrong. All that I can think of is that my cycles were VERY irregular for a few years prior but that wasn't alarming because my cycles were often a week or so early or late...give or take... never been an every 4th Tuesday at 11am, girl. So, did I miss the signs and fail at peri-menopause? Well, we'll see about that- I have an appointment with my Gynecologist tomorrow at 9:30am. Anything I should ask? Whats the over/under on my starting my period over night? Ta- à bientôt!

5 days until my gynecology appointment to find out if, in fact, I am IN Menopause and how to proceed to relieve the misery. I've stopped wearing my watch. The sound of the second hand was mocking my soul. My mind is doing that neat trick- you know the one, symptoms escalate when resolution is near- it happens when you are two steps from a restroom on a long road trip and you think that you can't possibly make it another two seconds after holding it for hours... yeah, that. That is what my brain is doing. The flashes have become rapid-fire and the mood swings are new. For now, I am going to focus on the funny parts of the situation to distract myself, for now. In hindsight, -I have a feeling that I will be using that phrase a lot going forward, there were signs that hinted at peri-menopause; irregular bleeding patterns, dark blood, insomnia, rage (only for my ex; that may not be a symptom) and this one random LONG HAIR that sprouted from my chin, seemingly, overnight. Maybe I should have known that the train was leaving the station. Back to THE hair. This happened 16 months ago. I know exactly where I was when it happened, I even remember what I was wearing; my favorite sweater- a super delicate, soft weave of cashmere and mohair, with a mock neck, in the perfect, Rich Bitch toasted caramel, camel tone. I love that sweater. It matches my hair on a good root-cover day and it is absolutely ridiculous to wear in Los Angeles after 6am but the devil may care, I do it. The mohair is important to this story because, initially, I thought that one of the strands had escaped the weave and was stuck in my spf or moisturizer or, even the edge of my glossed lips. Mind you, this great discovery was made on The 10 in bumper-to-bumper traffic with the sun blazing through the windshield and I began to have what I called then a “claustrophobic shit fit“ now, what I suspect was a hot flash. At any rate, I was desperately, violently thrashing and struggling to get said sweater off as quickly as possible then fervently brushing any little hairs from my face when I felt IT. IT was attached. To my face. And IT was LONG. Fu Man Chu, long. It was nestled right underneath my jaw bone, tucked in flush against the skin as if to snuggle the underside of my chin. Now, I'd done a full on exfoliation the day before and I did not see hide nor hair (pun intended) of this not-so-little sucker so, I truly believe that it sprouted overnight which brings up even greater a full follicular questions. More on that in another entry. I plucked it in then and there, in the car for all to see. Laid it across the back of my hand, examined it. It was dark and straight and glossy and unlike hair that I’d ever seen on my body. I took a photo of it and sent it to my mother then blew it out the window. How weird I thought, it’s way too early for that sort of nonsense; better keep and eye out for failing elasticity. Looked closely at my eyelids and neck in the rear view mirror, made a mental note. Then, I forgot about it. Three months later, it was back. Overnight and with one major difference: from the tip to mid-shaft was that same glossy, dark chestnut color but from the root to mid-shaft was WHITE. Evident was a mm or so of transitory color but the little fucker seemed to be evidence of some shift I my body. I made an appointment to have my hormones checked and was told to wait bc of Covid. Another three months and, again, IT was back. The whole thing was white as the driven snow. I should have known. Clearly, it is here to stay and now, it has two friends. Much smaller and less coarse, but there are three. Of course, I have named them: Dorothy, Rose and Blanche. We'll talk about my brows later.

I know better. Never ever, ever, EVER self-diagnose on the Internet. I already have pregret. September 26th Time: 3:47am Location: Master Bathtub 1st rush Doing it anyway. “Siri, what causes sudden rise in body temperature?” Holy Mother Mary, all of the Saints, and the Devil too- I think these episodes that I’ve been having might be hot flashes. no. no way... no... no? Is that possible? I'm waaaayyyy too young.... then again, I did start my period at 11. Could starting early also be an indicator of early onset Menopause? I'm way behind in knowledge here. I've decided to take better notes of each incident bc I can't keep all of this straight and I need to document my symptoms and weird observations to look for patterns etc. This is the 4th time over two weeks that I’ve woken up feeling like I’m burning up from the inside. Buzzy and then rushy…. and then, instinctually, I freeze like an animal milliseconds before an earthquake hits- bc I KNOW that SOMETHING is coming. I try to get ahead of it and- I get up and wander, as if to out run the heat yet, getting hotter by the second. According to Dr. Google, I could be having Panic Attacks, Mini Heart Attacks, Fever (OMG- do I have a fever?!?), Adrenaline Rushes, Hot Flashes or Mast Cell Activation Syndrome aka, Spontaneous Combustion. 4:03 am Now, I'm clammy and cold-but-not-cold and shivering. This bathtub plan seemed like a good idea at the time. nope, need a better option. I have graduated from stripping off my clothes and laying naked on the travertine of the bathroom floor to pregaming by making a little nest of cotton sheets, a pillow and bathrobe in the master bathtub. Partly, because I don’t want Mr. Handsome to step on me in the dark on his way across the master bath. He does’t know about this yet. Hell, I don’t know about THIS yet and I don’t want to scare the bejesus out of the man. I don't know where or how to be comfortable. Freezing now but I'm afraid to get back into bed bc I had a second one the other night and woke him up when escaping for the second time. "....so squirmy...are you ok...." So, here I lay twisted in a sheet in a tub/bed steaming, literally steaming for whatever reason. Still not sure if it’s night sweats or hot flashes -I always hear that hot flashes come with excessive sweating and I’m just steamy and damp and glowing from the inside of my elbows of the back of my scalp and inside of my ears. Not sticky- sweaty, just weirdly enveloped in a veil of damp. All that I can think to compare it to is the way that steam dances around you like apparitions when you climb out of a hot tub on a snowy night? If I turned the lights on, I expect to see steam coming off of my skin. Spontaneous combustion isn't the worst way to go... great story. Oh no... 4:21 am Its happening again.... like a freight train on fire. This one is different. I'm sooooooo tired.... when does this END? 4:34 am Clammy / Sweaty - again.